I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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