Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
