Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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