So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
