if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
