We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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