im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
