My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
