I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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