It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
