after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
