halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
