Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
