Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
