i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
