im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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