His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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