I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My life is pants optional.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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