apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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