did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
