i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my being single is dangerous.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
