i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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