Got a toothbrush?
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
