No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
