we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
