What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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