Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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