i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
