he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
