Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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