She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
