and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
