dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
