We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
