Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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