mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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