she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
