Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
