i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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