gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
