If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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