ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
