sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
