Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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