On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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