i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
