True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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