I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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