Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
