This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
