Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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